cheerleaders needed, no need to apply, no experience required!

Obviously I didn't check back in after my last post which I just checked on. It was from November 16th. that was a month ago.

I did start back to bootcamp slowly that week, but was sidelined again with more crippling headaches. I laid low, took it easy, took that Friday off and then went back again on Monday. Even without doing the run and not doing up down up down movements I still felt off.

I admitted to my bootcamp coach that I lost all my mojo and that I am so upset by how these last almost 3 months have turned out. I weighed in today only to discover that I have gained just over 6 pounds back of the 10 that I worked so hard to lose. To say that this is upsetting is a joke. I am horrified. I went for a total of one, yes ONE walk during all the time I was off, so I wan't expecting to lose any weight. but to gain 6 pounds is awful.

During this whole process the one thing that I have found out is that the sinus that is located under my left eye is completely blocked off. My doctor ordered a head CT scan in November hoping that if there was something going on in my head we would find it. Not only did we find the blocked sinus he also found something called a Meningioma, which basically is a benign calcification on the outer covering of my brain. It measures 3mm and is classified as an extremely slow growing (if it grows at all) benign (can I say that again!) BENIGN growth. This scared the CRAP out of me. I had a minor breakdown, called a friends dad who just so happens to be fantastic oncologist and then took a deep breath and realized that everything is going to be fine. My doctor told me that I had nothing to worry about but I didn't really find any comfort in his non-shalaunt brush off of finding it. Now that it has been found I will have yearly scans to confirm that it isn't growing and that it is all good. I do have to say though while I can laugh about my reaction now in the heat of the moment I was so absolutely terrified.

I went to see a Ear Nose Throat doctor who wants another CT just on the sinus so hopefully at my next visit in early January was can book my surgery to get it all fixed up. If by some chance my sinus is cleared out and it's no longer a problem I will still be having surgery to have an implant put in my nose to rebuild my septum. I don't have much of one and I need one. You have no idea how much I am hoping that between the sinus and the septum my headache problem is figured out! Everyone cross their fingers and toes that I can get a surgery date early in the year. No matter what type of surgery I have strict orders for 3 days of quiet and not a lot of moving which means no kids for 3 days. This also means me and a lot of magazines and a big comfy bed! YIPPEE!

Phew! Now that we got that out of the way...

I am sitting here to day feeling just about as crappy as I was at the end of August. I still have big goals for the new year, but first and foremost my goal for the rest of the year is to not gain any more weight! I think that this is possible. Hard, but possible. I now know that I don't have an aneurism waiting to burst in my head so the idea of working out with a headache doesn't scare me, it just sucks. I really don't know what else to do, I can't just keep sitting here.

CAlling this blog Go Leanna Go! wasn't just because I was feeling goofy on the day I picked a name. It was so that every time I logged in, saw it on my favourites list, got a comment or a email I would get a little cheer! Go! Leanna Go! So...This is where you come in people! if you see me ask me how I am doing. Help me stay accountable! Be my cheerleaders! I can't do this by myself!

oh yeah... and don't offer me any of your delicious homemade Christmas goodies!

Love ya!

p.s. I cut off my hair and got rid of the pink. It was just making me sad because my pink super  hero power feeling were gone.

i'm back!

I had the major urge to type "I'm back bitches!" but that just seemed a little bit too harsh! But I have to say that it has been an extremely long almost 7 weeks since I have felt like I can get out and do some type of activity. I stayed in touch with my bootcamp coach the whole time making sure that I tried to stay accountable. Unfortunately in the last couple of weeks (mainly since Halloween!) I have felt myself slipping back into old bad habits. I find this extremely frustrating that all the hard work that I did in 5 weeks can be reversed so quickly. I actually have no idea what I am weighing right now, I am assuming that I have gained a few pounds back. I plan on doing a weigh in on Sunday or Monday so that I have a base line to start from again.

I am still planning on my big comeback involving the Trek for life and breath for the BC Lung Association, butI am sure all of you bike riders now know about the Grandfondo that is happening in the Fraser Valley in June. I got really excited about this, not only because it is another potential race, but because it is local, AND... they have an easier ride for newbies that is only 80 kms! I think this is awesome!

I missed being in this space, and I am hoping that this is the official "push" of the reset button!

Thanks for hanging out, see you soon...

down for the count

Today marks week number three of the headache and dizziness.

Today was also the day that I went back to my doctor (his fill in, he's on holidays) for the third time for the headache.

Today was the day that I got put back on my blood pressure medication.

I gave it a good solid try, I really did. I thought I had it under control, but I didn't. When my doctor checked it for the forth time today and it was still reading somewhere around 180/90 she decided that it needed to be done. Do I think my normal doctor is going to be pleased with this when I check in with him next week?... nope. I think he is going to be upset. I would say that giving my body three weeks to adjust to no meds was a good try, and I am done. He asked me last week how my mood was. I told him I was cranky. What mother of a noisy four year old that has had a headache for two weeks wouldn't be cranky? Seemed like a dumb question if you ask me.

I haven't been able to do ANY exercise. I did go for a walk, but got dizzy quite quickly and figured it might have been a bad idea to push it.

I NEVER though I would ever be the girl to say that she misses exercise, but I do. I really miss bootcamp. I really miss working out and feeling like I am doing something to change my life. I feel like I have been a big lump for weeks, and I am sad that I have lost almost a month in this dizzy state.

I did weigh in last week, but haven't posted that I gained a pound, but I am blaming the pound on my period (yes, another one since my doctor decided that I be taken off my birth control pills too.) I feel fat and bloated... blech.

I haven't weighed this week, and I am not going to. I am scared that the number is going to make me sad, and I need some positive thoughts right now. I need this headache to LEAVE. RIGHT. NOW.

I am off to check my blood pressure (again), to take advil (again) and to drink a bottle of water to see if I can feel better tomorrow.

Thanks for checking in. I am sorry for the absence. I will be back.

I will.

without struggle there is no progress

Today I am struggling.

It has been a rough week for me. Pretty much immediately after my epic Monday run, I started feeling light headed and dizzy. I went to bootcamp on Wednesday and had to stop a few times to catch myself, the dizziness was awful. Speaking of dizzy. I am dizzy right now actually. ugh...

I started taking medication for high blood pressure on September 11th 2006 after having a rapid heartbeat at work. My doctor at the time put me on a two week stress leave hoping that the time off would help me, but really it didn't do anything for me but make me not want to go back to work.

Initially my doctor was concerned because of my age and lack of hypertension on my family. I was sent to a cardiologist to check on my heart. When my heart was fine they turned their attention to my kidney's thinking that an artery must be narrowed which would explain the hypertension. When that checked out ok too, I was diagnosed with Essential hypertension, which really means I just have high blood pressure. It amazed me that through the months of tests and medications that my weight didn't come up as a possible reason for my problem. I remember asking the cardiologist on my initial visit about it and she told me that losing a few pounds wouldn't hurt, but that it might not have anything to do with it. If I did lose a few pounds and I didn't need medication anymore that would be great, but until it happened no one knew for sure.

The initial medication that I was taking was agreeing with me, but after my cardiologist found out I was trying to get pregnant with my first daughter she switched my medication to a safer one. I have been on this medication since, until this summer when I noticed that my legs were swelling and my skin was feeling so tight I though my legs were going to split open. What I was blaming on too much salt and a hot summer day my doctor was blaming on the meds that I had been taking for so long. My medication changed and I have felt "off" randomly ever since.

When I went to the doctor today to discuss my dizziness, my medication was the first thing to come up. I have complained of dizzy spells before and that is a side affect of this med, as is headaches which I have also had all week long.

My doctor did something that I always hoped would happen.

He took me off my blood pressure medication.

I am not celebrating yet, and I am being cautiously optimistic that this will last. I have to track my pressures for a couple of weeks. If It stays within range I will be ok without the meds. If it creeps up on me I have to go in and try a new medication.

I didn't react to this news in the way I had imagined I would. I thought I would be jumping up and down. I thought my doctor would be congratulating me on getting off my meds, but instead he told me that he assumed that in 3-4 days it will creep up and I will be back in his office. If I have to go back on meds even with the weight loss and exercise I think that I will be very disappointed. I know that they told me that it was Essential, but honestly I just don't buy it.

I am overweight.
I am out of shape.
I wasn't taking care of myself.

Today I ate popcorn and granola, and a jawbreaker that I found in my cup holder.

Today was a struggle, but without it there is no progress.

this is me being cautiously optimistic

yeah... i killed it!

So the first month of bootcamp ended last Friday. I asked to get my measurements done that morning, instead of Monday morning when I was going to do my fit test.

So here is what happened...

September 6 looked like this:
Pushups 23
crunches 33
lat pull downs 44
plank 2:30 (on knees)
V sit hold 1:08 (heels down)
step ups R 32  L 33
Squat holds 51
Lunges 30
1.5km run 13:20

September 30th looked like this!

Pushups 35

crunches 46

lat pull downs 65

plank 3:00 (on knees)

V sit hold 1:15 (heels down)

step ups R 33  L 35

Squat holds 1:16

Lunges 35

1.5km run 11:27!

We did the first part of our fittest under cover because it was RAINING! so gross. It was good, I was beating what I had done the first time and that made me glad.

Then came the run.

I haven't run in about 3 weeks. I hurt my right knee about a week and a half into bootcamp from over exercising and just pushing way too hard on my days off. I spent the rest of the month walking (or speed walking) to warm up and I stopped doing extra running on my days off as well. I was feeling confident. I had my brand new Adidas super shoes (they are just blue and super funky and I love them!) I stepped onto the line with the other girls and got ready.

"3...2...1... go!"

I was off... and it felt different this time. I was holding my head up. My shoulders were back and I felt a spring in my step. I was getting pounded int he face with rain and I watched as the other girls disappeared into the darkness with only their safety lights blinking. I kept my eyes ahead waiting to see the lights starting to come down the other side of the road after the turn around. I kept running and started to realize that I wasn't as far behind as I had originally thought. I was closing in on them, and I smiled. Holy shit I got faster! I smiled at the first girl that sped fast me, and wiped my face on my t-shirt. I got to the end of the road and knocked on the road sign with an audible "tang tang" and turned back.

The rain slowed and I could see my trainer waiting for me at the end.

Please, please have done it a little bit faster... just a bit... 20 seconds. Come on.

I got in front of the field and I pushed. I sped up, and I started to  R U N! 

As soon as I hit the end line she yelled "11:27!"

I stopped, bent over and took in a huge breath and let out a sob. "11:27?! what?! seriously?!"

"Yeah 11:27!"

"holy crap I beat my time by almost 2 minutes! I did it! I did it! (sob sob... tear  tear...)"

I walked back to the field shaking. I couldn't believe it, and it kept me bouncing on my toes for the rest of the day!

I called my husband at work 3 times that day to tell him how proud I was of my self. It was amazing. 

I killed that run.... I killed it!

5 weeks, 10 lbs and 7 inches

I cannot believe the results that I have seen in the last 5 weeks of this journey. I had my measurements done on Friday and I have lost 7 inches from my chest, waist, hips, right thigh and calf. Tomorrow is weigh in day and I am curious how this week has gone in that department.

The next two weeks I will be at bootcamp in the evening instead of the morning, and I am not quite sure how I feel about his yet. Life throws curve balls sometimes and you just have to roll with it. I have done a few evening workouts, and it's a little harder, but it's good.

The thing I really like about working out in the early morning is that:
1. I have my workout done first thing and I don't have to worry about it for the rest of the day. It's not one other thing I have to do.
2. The girls are still fast asleep, and they aren't missing me
3. It's dark and no one can see my flabby flab bouncing as I jog past their house.
4. Again, it's dark and no one can see my hideous workout clothes.
5. My muscles feel tight and sore for the rest of the day and for some reason that makes me feel tighter and thinner.

I went and got my hair done in celebration of my 10lb loss. I told my trainer that I am an emotional eater and it really doesn't matter if it is a happy one or a sad one, I eat to celebrate and I eat to soothe. I decided that this super feeling that I am feeling needed to be celebrated with pink. Yes, pink. I got pink streaks put in my hair and honestly I am feeling powerful, strong, untouchable and fierce. I feel like I can do anything, and I will accomplish my goals. I am feeling healthy and better than I have in a very long time. It is amazing what a little color can do for you. My friend and stylist Angela helped me feel this way and she can help you too. Check out her page on Facebook!

Here's to another amazing week!

long road to go

I am up extra early this morning because my husband turned on a weird timer on our oven that I didn't even know existed. He stirred, lifted his head and then tapped me on the shoulder, "somethings buzzing...". Good thing my alarm was going off in 5 minutes.

This morning marks the beginning of week 3 of bootcamp. To be honest I am feeling tired. I had what I would call a "bad" day at camp on Friday. It was our usual run, but then the rest of the hour was running as well. I was so tired after the initial run, but then throw in all the extra and after about 15 minutes I was ready to call it quits. There is a bit of a mental game that I am playing with myself right now, and I am fearful that it will ultimately lead to my demise in this whole journey. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep a positive attitude, being reminded daily that you are the fattest and the slowest (and youngest) in a group can wear you down. I am working out with 3 "yummy Mummy's" (for lack of another term) and 4 women who have been at bootcamp since April. These women run laps (literally) around me every day I go. I feel like the self confidence I gain by losing weight and completing a run on my own is overshadowed by their accomplishments and my self doubt. Every time I am lagging behind and I feel like the other girls are talking about me I just want to yell out that I haven't done anything for an activity in years, that while they are running with a 140 lbs I am running with 188. I know they aren't talking about me, it's all in my head.

Sometimes it is hard to be honest about feeling like crap about yourself. It's hard to put that out there, but it is something that I am working on.

Momentary break for bootcamp...

I had a good chat with my trainer this morning about my goals and how I am doing thus far. Poor woman got a email from me on Saturday night when I was feeling really sorry for myself. I have been thinking a lot about the goals I have set for myself including the Conquer Cancer bike ride. After listening to what my family has to say about the whole thing I have decided to push back that goal until 2013 maybe but I am going to do the Bicycle Trek for Life and Breath for the BC Lung association instead. Not only does that ride involve a few less kilometres (200 instead of 240) it will keep me closer to home and it requires less of a fundraising commitment. Although I think the Conquer Cancer bike ride is a fabulous idea and a fabulous cause I just don't think that I can commit to raising that much money or paying it up if I can't. Initially I felt like a huge failure and hearing what my family thought just made me want to prove that I could do it even more. After chatting with my trainer and thinking about it further I now look at it like this:

I have more time to train, because seriously, I almost need to learn how to ride a bike.

I have a chance to get a bike. They are expensive and I just don't have the cash.

It is a little bit shorter and smaller and I will save the longer ride for the second time :)

So this is my plan, it's changed, but I am still sticking with it.