I am up extra early this morning because my husband turned on a weird timer on our oven that I didn't even know existed. He stirred, lifted his head and then tapped me on the shoulder, "somethings buzzing...". Good thing my alarm was going off in 5 minutes.
This morning marks the beginning of week 3 of bootcamp. To be honest I am feeling tired. I had what I would call a "bad" day at camp on Friday. It was our usual run, but then the rest of the hour was running as well. I was so tired after the initial run, but then throw in all the extra and after about 15 minutes I was ready to call it quits. There is a bit of a mental game that I am playing with myself right now, and I am fearful that it will ultimately lead to my demise in this whole journey. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep a positive attitude, being reminded daily that you are the fattest and the slowest (and youngest) in a group can wear you down. I am working out with 3 "yummy Mummy's" (for lack of another term) and 4 women who have been at bootcamp since April. These women run laps (literally) around me every day I go. I feel like the self confidence I gain by losing weight and completing a run on my own is overshadowed by their accomplishments and my self doubt. Every time I am lagging behind and I feel like the other girls are talking about me I just want to yell out that I haven't done anything for an activity in years, that while they are running with a 140 lbs I am running with 188. I know they aren't talking about me, it's all in my head.
Sometimes it is hard to be honest about feeling like crap about yourself. It's hard to put that out there, but it is something that I am working on.
Momentary break for bootcamp...
I had a good chat with my trainer this morning about my goals and how I am doing thus far. Poor woman got a email from me on Saturday night when I was feeling really sorry for myself. I have been thinking a lot about the goals I have set for myself including the Conquer Cancer bike ride. After listening to what my family has to say about the whole thing I have decided to push back that goal until 2013 maybe but I am going to do the Bicycle Trek for Life and Breath for the BC Lung association instead. Not only does that ride involve a few less kilometres (200 instead of 240) it will keep me closer to home and it requires less of a fundraising commitment. Although I think the Conquer Cancer bike ride is a fabulous idea and a fabulous cause I just don't think that I can commit to raising that much money or paying it up if I can't. Initially I felt like a huge failure and hearing what my family thought just made me want to prove that I could do it even more. After chatting with my trainer and thinking about it further I now look at it like this:
I have more time to train, because seriously, I almost need to learn how to ride a bike.
I have a chance to get a bike. They are expensive and I just don't have the cash.
It is a little bit shorter and smaller and I will save the longer ride for the second time :)
So this is my plan, it's changed, but I am still sticking with it.
Monday, September 19, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
end of week two
Today I am tired. I actually had a nap on the couch while I was feeding the little girl.
Today's bootcamp was hard, and since the first day this was the first time I could feel the little tears welling up in my eyes, and that awful lump of failure creep up my throat. There was no way I was going to cry, so I shook it off. I ran the 1.3 km strip this morning, and then to my delight once back at bootcamp the rest of the hour was running, running while jumping rope, running over logs, and more running. I cannot believe how wiped I am. ugh... Climbing into bed tonight will be lovely.
I had a really nice chat on wednesday night with my bootcamp trainer and her husband who also does training. It was really nice to have two people who are pretty much strangers give me support.
I told Mark today that I am so scared of losing the momentum I feel like I have gathered in the last 3 weeks. I know that three weeks really isn't all that long, and I feel like with just a few slips I would be right back to where I was three weeks ago. I am craving sweets today, and thankfully the 4 chocolate chip cookies that my Mom brought over here were scarfed down before I even had a chance to look at them too closely.
I think that I over did it between yesterday and today with the running, and decided that I am not going to go to the additional bootcamp class tomorrow morning, I am going to let my body rest and recoup, I am going to ice my knee and heels, and start fresh on Monday (unless I decide to run on Sunday)
As much as I hate running, I feel like it is starting to get a little easier.
Thank GAWD!
Today's bootcamp was hard, and since the first day this was the first time I could feel the little tears welling up in my eyes, and that awful lump of failure creep up my throat. There was no way I was going to cry, so I shook it off. I ran the 1.3 km strip this morning, and then to my delight once back at bootcamp the rest of the hour was running, running while jumping rope, running over logs, and more running. I cannot believe how wiped I am. ugh... Climbing into bed tonight will be lovely.
I had a really nice chat on wednesday night with my bootcamp trainer and her husband who also does training. It was really nice to have two people who are pretty much strangers give me support.
I told Mark today that I am so scared of losing the momentum I feel like I have gathered in the last 3 weeks. I know that three weeks really isn't all that long, and I feel like with just a few slips I would be right back to where I was three weeks ago. I am craving sweets today, and thankfully the 4 chocolate chip cookies that my Mom brought over here were scarfed down before I even had a chance to look at them too closely.
I think that I over did it between yesterday and today with the running, and decided that I am not going to go to the additional bootcamp class tomorrow morning, I am going to let my body rest and recoup, I am going to ice my knee and heels, and start fresh on Monday (unless I decide to run on Sunday)
As much as I hate running, I feel like it is starting to get a little easier.
Thank GAWD!
big belly
I told my older daughter when I was starting bootcamp that I was trying to get rid of my big belly. In the moment I really didn't know how to explain it to her, and I thought that would be the easiest.
I left her that morning and came back an hour later. She gave me a big hug and a kiss, told me that she missed me, and said...
"I thought you were going to bootcamp to lose your big belly? why do you still have it?"
HAHA! gotta love a 4 year old mind.
I left her that morning and came back an hour later. She gave me a big hug and a kiss, told me that she missed me, and said...
"I thought you were going to bootcamp to lose your big belly? why do you still have it?"
HAHA! gotta love a 4 year old mind.
Thursday, September 15, 2011
run away
I was talking to a friend about 6 weeks ago about waiting for your "aha" moment. I told her that I felt like I was waiting around for something to come down and strike me and make me fit. Like magically I would just decide that I would change my life and get to the place that I wanted to be in.
Every morning for our warm up at bootcamp we have to do a run. I drove my car to where we run to clock just how long this torturous little strip of road is. TO my surprise it was only 1.5 kms, because at 6am it feels like 10k.
I decided that in order to improve my time and my cardio that I am going to do this 1.5km run every day that I am not at bootcamp. This will get me to 10.5 km a week. So I packed up the girls and drove over to the strip and strapped them in to the stroller.This was a very new experience for my older daughter, she didn't quite understand why I was going to run. At best we walk around the mall in the stroller, but the promise of a park playdate after our run convinced her that this was a really good thing to do.
I walked a few minutes lined up with the mark on the road and then we were off. The first half is killer to me. My legs pound the pavement, I feel like I can hardly breathe and I want to quit. Running with the stroller is harder than I thought it would be, but I figure that anything that makes it harder, makes it better. Every now and then I would look down and catch my littlest one peeking up at me with the biggest smile, and even though she can't talk I know that she is telling me that I am doing awesome and that she is having fun.
I made it to the end of the road, banged the road sign and turned around to go back to the beginning. Half way home the older girl wanted out of the stroller, she wanted to run too. I let her jump out and she ran, she kept up and she gave me super powers!
Having her jump out of the stroller and run beside me was my "aha" momnet. I had it, I had my momnet. It was an amazing feeling having her be beside me. I can't even explain it to me. We finished the run and I was proud of her and she was proud of me. We hugged and gave each other a high five and she asked if we could do it again.
Part of this journey for me is to teach my girls about being healthy, being a good role model and being healthy. In the three weeks since I have started eating better I can already see a difference in my older daughtwer. She isn't asking for junk, because she isn't seeing me eat it, instead she is asking for apples and oranges, and I even overheard her singing a song about how fruit has good sugar and makes us happy and healthy. It made me proud that she is picking up on what I am doing.
So today is Thursday and we are off for our run again today, I am hoping that it won't rain before we go, but I think she might like that even more!
Every morning for our warm up at bootcamp we have to do a run. I drove my car to where we run to clock just how long this torturous little strip of road is. TO my surprise it was only 1.5 kms, because at 6am it feels like 10k.
I decided that in order to improve my time and my cardio that I am going to do this 1.5km run every day that I am not at bootcamp. This will get me to 10.5 km a week. So I packed up the girls and drove over to the strip and strapped them in to the stroller.This was a very new experience for my older daughter, she didn't quite understand why I was going to run. At best we walk around the mall in the stroller, but the promise of a park playdate after our run convinced her that this was a really good thing to do.
I walked a few minutes lined up with the mark on the road and then we were off. The first half is killer to me. My legs pound the pavement, I feel like I can hardly breathe and I want to quit. Running with the stroller is harder than I thought it would be, but I figure that anything that makes it harder, makes it better. Every now and then I would look down and catch my littlest one peeking up at me with the biggest smile, and even though she can't talk I know that she is telling me that I am doing awesome and that she is having fun.
I made it to the end of the road, banged the road sign and turned around to go back to the beginning. Half way home the older girl wanted out of the stroller, she wanted to run too. I let her jump out and she ran, she kept up and she gave me super powers!
Having her jump out of the stroller and run beside me was my "aha" momnet. I had it, I had my momnet. It was an amazing feeling having her be beside me. I can't even explain it to me. We finished the run and I was proud of her and she was proud of me. We hugged and gave each other a high five and she asked if we could do it again.
Part of this journey for me is to teach my girls about being healthy, being a good role model and being healthy. In the three weeks since I have started eating better I can already see a difference in my older daughtwer. She isn't asking for junk, because she isn't seeing me eat it, instead she is asking for apples and oranges, and I even overheard her singing a song about how fruit has good sugar and makes us happy and healthy. It made me proud that she is picking up on what I am doing.
So today is Thursday and we are off for our run again today, I am hoping that it won't rain before we go, but I think she might like that even more!
Monday, September 12, 2011
week two of exercise begins
So I have decided that I am looking forward to bootcamp at 6 am. Today while I was running the 2 kms again ( I now understand that this is a daily occurrence!) I realized that in the half hour I had been there that I hadn't thought of home or the girls once. I was just thinking about myself and what I was there to accomplish.
I say to myself on every run that no matter how slow I am going that I am lapping everyone on the couch. This is my new mantra for this whole process. I know that I am out of shape, and slow, and dragging my heels, but that's ok. I know that it will get better with time and I am ready to put forth the effort to make big changes happen.
This is the third week for healthy eating. So far so good, but I won't lie and say that I haven't wanted a few chocolate bars here and there. I have been trying to make healthy choices, like yesterday when I met my best friend for coffee and had a tall (not grande) nonfat (not whole) pumpkin spice latte with no whip (instead of extra whip). I haven't had a latte in three weeks, and it was GOOD. mmmmmm. I enjoyed every drop of it, I did... really....
When I weighed myself this morning. I am down another 2 lbs, and I am cool with that. I have no idea if its true or not but I have always been told that two lbs a week is good progress. It's not the 10 lbs a week on the biggest loser, but I know that I gained this weight over time and it is going to take time to get rid of it.
Gained it like the Hare, losing it like the Tortoise.
Here's to a good week, and healthy choices and another 2 days of bootcamp!
I say to myself on every run that no matter how slow I am going that I am lapping everyone on the couch. This is my new mantra for this whole process. I know that I am out of shape, and slow, and dragging my heels, but that's ok. I know that it will get better with time and I am ready to put forth the effort to make big changes happen.
This is the third week for healthy eating. So far so good, but I won't lie and say that I haven't wanted a few chocolate bars here and there. I have been trying to make healthy choices, like yesterday when I met my best friend for coffee and had a tall (not grande) nonfat (not whole) pumpkin spice latte with no whip (instead of extra whip). I haven't had a latte in three weeks, and it was GOOD. mmmmmm. I enjoyed every drop of it, I did... really....
When I weighed myself this morning. I am down another 2 lbs, and I am cool with that. I have no idea if its true or not but I have always been told that two lbs a week is good progress. It's not the 10 lbs a week on the biggest loser, but I know that I gained this weight over time and it is going to take time to get rid of it.
Gained it like the Hare, losing it like the Tortoise.
Here's to a good week, and healthy choices and another 2 days of bootcamp!
Tuesday, September 06, 2011
YES DRILL SERGEANT!!!
Today was my first day of bootcamp. I got up at 5:30am...ugh... Bootcamp starts at 6.
I made my way over, and I was nervous. I had to pee, I wanted to vomit and my heart was racing.
I was the only one there, and then the other ladies started trickling in. I watched them circle the field and joined in at the back. We did a few laps and then we were off. The first Monday of the month is stat day. We get our measurements done, and we do timed trials to get a baseline so we can track our progress over the month.
First up, almost a 2 km run. "Run what you can and walk if you need to."
Riggghhht. Run you say... This should be interesting.
I start running slowly... a jog lets say. I watched as everyone sped away and I was at the back, just like always. The running was killing me.
Ugh... this sucks... my feet already hurt, is that me knee clicking? what the hell... who runs at 6am? I have only been awake for a half hour. Why would she make me run without any lead up? what if I collapse out here?
I could see the other women already turning around to come back and I wasn't even half way yet.
OMG! this is going to take me the whole hour.
I could feel a lump gathering in my throat. It made it even harder to breathe.
I finally got to the end of the road and started making my way back, and surprised myself that even though I was running slowly, I was still running. I ran a few more minutes, and stopped to stretch out my shins and calves, and picked right back up running. I could see a few of the other women already leaving the road heading back to the camp.
"keep running, you can do it. No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."
As I got closer I could make out my trainer, and I could see that a few women were waiting fpr me at the end. I got another lump in my throat. As I inched closer to the school yard the started walking towards me.
"great, now I am really going to cry, go away, go away, go away, ok... keep coming towards me then."
Then they started jogging to me, and I could hardly breathe. We met and they told me how great I was doing, and that I could finish, and I started to cry.
"Thanks for waiting guys.... blubber blubber"
We walked back to camp and I attempted to start breathing again. As I got back to my mat, my trainer whispered "Great job Leanna, mark down 13:21 as your time."
Thanks! I did better than I thought and I ran the whole way.
We picked up our weights and I thought I was going to vomit.
But I didn't, and that is all that matters.
I made my way over, and I was nervous. I had to pee, I wanted to vomit and my heart was racing.
I was the only one there, and then the other ladies started trickling in. I watched them circle the field and joined in at the back. We did a few laps and then we were off. The first Monday of the month is stat day. We get our measurements done, and we do timed trials to get a baseline so we can track our progress over the month.
First up, almost a 2 km run. "Run what you can and walk if you need to."
Riggghhht. Run you say... This should be interesting.
I start running slowly... a jog lets say. I watched as everyone sped away and I was at the back, just like always. The running was killing me.
Ugh... this sucks... my feet already hurt, is that me knee clicking? what the hell... who runs at 6am? I have only been awake for a half hour. Why would she make me run without any lead up? what if I collapse out here?
I could see the other women already turning around to come back and I wasn't even half way yet.
OMG! this is going to take me the whole hour.
I could feel a lump gathering in my throat. It made it even harder to breathe.
I finally got to the end of the road and started making my way back, and surprised myself that even though I was running slowly, I was still running. I ran a few more minutes, and stopped to stretch out my shins and calves, and picked right back up running. I could see a few of the other women already leaving the road heading back to the camp.
"keep running, you can do it. No matter how slow you go, you are still lapping everyone on the couch, you are still lapping everyone on the couch."
As I got closer I could make out my trainer, and I could see that a few women were waiting fpr me at the end. I got another lump in my throat. As I inched closer to the school yard the started walking towards me.
"great, now I am really going to cry, go away, go away, go away, ok... keep coming towards me then."
Then they started jogging to me, and I could hardly breathe. We met and they told me how great I was doing, and that I could finish, and I started to cry.
"Thanks for waiting guys.... blubber blubber"
We walked back to camp and I attempted to start breathing again. As I got back to my mat, my trainer whispered "Great job Leanna, mark down 13:21 as your time."
Thanks! I did better than I thought and I ran the whole way.
We picked up our weights and I thought I was going to vomit.
But I didn't, and that is all that matters.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
5 days down...phew
It is late in the afternoon on day 5, and I thought I would post a picture of me so I would remember how chubby my face was on day 5.
My big little girl had her 4th birthday yesterday and on an occasion where normally I would pig out on homemade cake and chips and goodies, I did well. I did have a small piece of birthday cake (cause I make a damn good cake!) but I ate some of the fruit my mom brought and only had a few little chip bits. I cut up the rest of the cake and it is going with my to my Mom's house tonight for dinner. She had a big dinner party last night too, and she invited us over for leftovers. She mentioned a veggie platter that will have my name all over it.
So far this week has gone well. I am signed up for a bootcamp that starts on Tuesday and I will have my official weight done then, I am curious to see what happens in the first month.
My big little girl had her 4th birthday yesterday and on an occasion where normally I would pig out on homemade cake and chips and goodies, I did well. I did have a small piece of birthday cake (cause I make a damn good cake!) but I ate some of the fruit my mom brought and only had a few little chip bits. I cut up the rest of the cake and it is going with my to my Mom's house tonight for dinner. She had a big dinner party last night too, and she invited us over for leftovers. She mentioned a veggie platter that will have my name all over it.
So far this week has gone well. I am signed up for a bootcamp that starts on Tuesday and I will have my official weight done then, I am curious to see what happens in the first month.
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