long road to go

I am up extra early this morning because my husband turned on a weird timer on our oven that I didn't even know existed. He stirred, lifted his head and then tapped me on the shoulder, "somethings buzzing...". Good thing my alarm was going off in 5 minutes.

This morning marks the beginning of week 3 of bootcamp. To be honest I am feeling tired. I had what I would call a "bad" day at camp on Friday. It was our usual run, but then the rest of the hour was running as well. I was so tired after the initial run, but then throw in all the extra and after about 15 minutes I was ready to call it quits. There is a bit of a mental game that I am playing with myself right now, and I am fearful that it will ultimately lead to my demise in this whole journey. Sometimes no matter how hard you try to keep a positive attitude, being reminded daily that you are the fattest and the slowest (and youngest) in a group can wear you down. I am working out with 3 "yummy Mummy's" (for lack of another term) and 4 women who have been at bootcamp since April. These women run laps (literally) around me every day I go. I feel like the self confidence I gain by losing weight and completing a run on my own is overshadowed by their accomplishments and my self doubt. Every time I am lagging behind and I feel like the other girls are talking about me I just want to yell out that I haven't done anything for an activity in years, that while they are running with a 140 lbs I am running with 188. I know they aren't talking about me, it's all in my head.

Sometimes it is hard to be honest about feeling like crap about yourself. It's hard to put that out there, but it is something that I am working on.

Momentary break for bootcamp...

I had a good chat with my trainer this morning about my goals and how I am doing thus far. Poor woman got a email from me on Saturday night when I was feeling really sorry for myself. I have been thinking a lot about the goals I have set for myself including the Conquer Cancer bike ride. After listening to what my family has to say about the whole thing I have decided to push back that goal until 2013 maybe but I am going to do the Bicycle Trek for Life and Breath for the BC Lung association instead. Not only does that ride involve a few less kilometres (200 instead of 240) it will keep me closer to home and it requires less of a fundraising commitment. Although I think the Conquer Cancer bike ride is a fabulous idea and a fabulous cause I just don't think that I can commit to raising that much money or paying it up if I can't. Initially I felt like a huge failure and hearing what my family thought just made me want to prove that I could do it even more. After chatting with my trainer and thinking about it further I now look at it like this:

I have more time to train, because seriously, I almost need to learn how to ride a bike.

I have a chance to get a bike. They are expensive and I just don't have the cash.

It is a little bit shorter and smaller and I will save the longer ride for the second time :)

So this is my plan, it's changed, but I am still sticking with it.